Can you Break Up with your Counsellor? How?

Yes! You always have a right to end the counselling relationship, and you always have the right to end a session or intervention at any time for any reason, especially if there are questions of safety or boundary violations.

However, what if the counselling just isn’t quite working out the way you expected it to… should you ‘break up with’ your counsellor?

This is such a great question to ask because there is more and more research showing the importance of your relationship with your counsellor. If the relationship feels off, this may affect the progress you could make in therapy.

If it doesn’t feel right, there are some important issues and options to consider.

Duration

How long has the feeling been happening? Was it one bad session or has it been going on for a few sessions? Has it been all bad or has there been some aspects of it that have been helpful within each session?

If it’s been a while and every session is causing this feeling, it may be time to consider a change in counsellor or therapist.

One option is (if safety is not a worry) you could bring it up with your counsellor. Share with your therapist that you don’t feel it’s working.

You may find that the counsellor knows this and feels the same way. This could lead to a very positive conversation that could be beneficial to you both, and an excellent chance to practice setting healthy boundaries and expectations!

For folks who have let me know this, I have even helped them find a new counsellor from my community of colleagues that I work with.

If you bring it up with your counsellor and nothing changes and the feelings continue, it is probable that a change in counsellor needs to be made.

And this is great! You are not starting over, you are starting from experience, knowing what you are looking for in a therapist.

Familiarity

Is this a familiar feeling that you have in other relationships outside of the counselling office? Do you often get this feeling and end relationships or is this a unique thing for you?

This may seem like a strange question to ask, but often times, the counselling office can be a microcosm for what is going on in your life outside of the space that you and your counsellor share.

If you find that you often end your relationships when things get to a certain point, and a reason you’re coming into counselling is because of relationship issues, loneliness, depression or you feel isolated, this could be the perfect chance to practice staying and repairing rather than doing the same old thing.

The counsellor can provide a safe space to grow and provide an opportunity to sit in discomfort that is good for you. If you decide to stay and repair, it can reteach your system that it is safe to do this, helping you grow outside the office. In fact, it may just bring you closer to those in your life.

However, if you don’t connect with your counsellor and you’ve tried making it work and it just isn’t, it’s probably time to move on!

This does not mean there is anything wrong with you or your counsellor. There are 7 billion people on this planet, and we cannot expect to be a perfect match with everyone we come across. It is great that you know your self well enough to know what works and does not!

How?

Now, if you do decide to end the counselling relationship, what is the best way to do it?

This is where you want to think about what is best for you, and think about how you can take this as an opportunity to better yourself for the future.

You could just ‘ghost’ your counsellor. This is quick and painless initially but could lead to feelings of guilt, which is never fun!

You could send an email explaining that you feel the counselling has run its course. This is respectful and you get to avoid the dreaded face-to-face awkwardness.

However, the most beneficial thing you could do is probably the most difficult thing to do, and that would be in person. There is a lot of opportunity for growth in the difficulty. This could be a great chance to practice facing fears, and sitting with difficult emotions and thoughts and reteach your nervous system it is safe to say goodbye.

There is a lot of beauty in a healthy goodbye :-)